4.99 Years

Can't watch UP vs Ateneo, our TV conked out for some unfigurable reason. I don't know if it has something to do with the rains, our unpaid electric bill or our cats having fever. So I try to find a way to catch it online. And this internet connection that makes me bleed P2,000 a month fails me. I read my blog entries instead. Since May 2008. It was stressful, and I am left with the brand of embarassment one gets looking at old high school pics.

My entries, so much angst. My concerns, repetitive. Dissatisfaction. Over my job. My relationship(s). My weight. How missing socks demotivate me from wanting to shape up, and how getting stuck with an ugly seatmate on a bus on my way to work (up)sets the tempo of my day. I am so much affected by these little things. This reflects my level of (im)maturity. I turn 26 in a few days. Now, I know it's wishful thinking to say that the next, what,couple of dozen days will make a noticeable difference (unless I have massive amounts of fat suctioned from my body, enough to make 100 bars of soap, which is so much, I think I'd meet my end.) I'd still try.

I so want things to change. How I feel. About myself. About these, well, things. And I feel that I don't have a partner, an ally, not even from my family. Save for him. And he thinks that he's "nicer to me than he gets credit for," but he's dead wrong on that. I appreciate the things that he does, the things that he's not even obliged to do. Little things - getting me socks, buying me earphones with bass vents, bugging me no end to work on my portfolio (something we have incessantly and intensely argued about). I appreciate that he does these things because he is well aware of my dissatisfaction(s), and he wants to address those things that do matter.

Yes, those that do matter, and would matter still in 5 years.

***

D,

(I will try not to hit the backspace button as I write this. I will try.)

This ground that I stand on, that we stand on, it's alien to me. I don't know the rules in this arena. I have for so long been subscribed to the Scram and Change Your Number When Things Get Messy and/or Boring school of thought. Five months. I keep saying that I deserve a pat on the back for having stayed loyal. To me, it is an achievement worthy of a stamp on my hand. You say that it's the bare minimum, that one does not get an "A" for perfect attendance.That what we're doing, it requires work, something that I admit I'm not used to.I'm trying. We have different concepts of trying, but I know that I AM trying. I ask for more patience. I will buy you hypertensive medication when my bookS see the light of print.

Now I know that your fuse can only last long. I have seen you go ballistic over the things that I do (and the things I fail to do). I never tell you this, but it scares me when you TEXT ME IN ALL CAPS. I always contradict myself and always ask you to let go of these little issues, telling you that they would "not matter in five years." You say you'd just grin and bear it for "the next 4.99 years" just to make me happy. But this leaves neither of us happy.

I suddenly lose sight of the point that I'm driving at.

Anyway, know these things:


1. When I run, I wouldn't sway my arms unnecessarily, as I'd be wasting energy.

2. You're not a fat cow - you're a fab cow.

3. Bear with my hugs. I will not excuse myself for hugging you anymore.

4. We both have one foot on the ground, and it's perfectly understandable.

5. I will finish the Dan series first before popping in another DVD.

6. When I'm not replying to your messages, specially those IN ALL CAPS, I am busy. I am busy at work and busy being scared.

7. It still fills my heart with joy watching you dance while driving.

8. Wednesday is my favorite day of the week.

9. My universe does not revolve around you. It revolves around me. I know you would not take this selfishness against me.

10. I'm your fan. When I grow up, I want to be like you. So this means I have 10 years to grow up. I have enough time, it seems.

11. If you walk away, it means that I have grown up. And this, we both know, is a great thing.


(I don't even know what I'm trying to say, but I do know that you get it.)

***

You know what? You're warmer than you give yourself credit for. But then, you call yourself "an image-distorting manipulate." Can't care less. The ride is fun.

***
You're my bestfriend. Is it okay if I go looking for love elsewhere? If you say it's not, I'll sit here, next to you, and wait.