Stoicholm Syndrome

I so wish that some, no, a lot of his stoicism, his detachedness, rubs off on me. Life would be a numbed bliss.

***

A lingering feeling of unsettledness on a Sunday morning, to think I started the day with a jumbo siopao from Kowloon House. I had to let out a groan two corners away from our house as we were driving home, and "Genie in a Bottle" (a supposedly happifying song) was playing. After an hour-long shuteye and 5 hits on the snooze button, I got up, washed my tired hair and launched a Spoil Joie Day.

I...

- had a massage. Nida, the therapist, whose remark on me getting chunkier earned her my chagrin, kept to herself. She kept her gab shut when she was kneading my thighs. She was cooperative, mostly acting on self-preservation instincts.

- ate Crispy Noodles and Tofu. They were served by a non-ugly store manager who was most definitely checking me out (Yes. Ego boost for a P78 sale). This is the beauty of my habit of asking for a timeframe when it comes to my food. Service crew would know that patience is a virtue I have yet to earn. If only I can have this attitude of assertiveness packed with extra napkins and forks, and take it home with me.

- bought groceries. Aisles and aisles of canned goods, shampoo and detergents pacify me. All the time. My sister knew something was amiss. I bought fresh produce, which in saner moments, I'd get at the filthy market. I'm a woman with a green bag and bipolar disorder. Persecute me for reckless shopping, I'll call the attention of CHR.

- walked in the rain. Yes, something is really, really, wrong. Not even efficascent oil can make it better.

***

The circumstances are pushing me to make life-altering decisions sooner than I anticipated. Pleasure is easily confused with happiness. I know the things that give me pleasure. I know them all too well. But chasing these fleeting joys have left me very unhappy. This can't go on. I have to do myself a big favor, as well as certain people around me.